When grief comes to visit it is like an unwelcome guest who comes to stay with a whole lot of baggage in tow. And like a lot of uninvited and unwelcome guests there is no definitive period of time that they will be hanging around.

Grief comes with it's own timetable, it's own schedule. There is just no guessing when things will be back to normal......and what is normal anyway?

This unwelcome guest can make a real mess of your life or it can provide an opportunity to re-evaluate life and evolve to a greater sense of spiritual awareness. Emotions you thought only happened to other people may take hold like there is no tomorrow. These emotions follow a similar pattern while at the same time are experienced by each individual in their own way.

For instance, when I recently lost my father, I was stunned by the complete dysfunction that came over me.

Here was an elderly man who had lived a full and productive life who was suffering badly through the final stage of dementia. He had pneumonia and life was just too much of a struggle. Passing over out of this carnal cage of torment was a blessing to him. So why on earth was a rational, grown woman and professional counsellor doing losing the plot like I did?

It appears that there is no immunity from grief. Like all emotions, it is not subject to rational thinking. When emotions are in full swing, rational thinking is not an accessible commodity. With grief, it is important to just let it run its course however long that may take. The journey can be long or short depending on the significance of the loss and willingness to surrender and feel the pain appropriately.

This may mean a lot of crying, a lot of talking, a lot of walking, a lot of remembering, a lot of sleeping, a lot of nothing........ a lot of whatever it takes to work through the pain in your own way.

Failure to work through grief appropriately results in further problems down the track both physically and psychologically. Well meaning friends and work colleagues are not doing you a favour if they rally round to try and cheer you up, or hurry you along. Comments such as "aren't you over it yet?" are not at all helpful.

It is important that you let family, friends and anyone else know what you are needing. That might mean being left alone or it might mean having someone to listen - over and over again if necessary. This is where counselling can come in handy when the friends run out of patience!

The most important thing to remember is that there is no "normal" timeframe that you can expect to endure the dark night that is grief. Anything is normal. This is your process and no-one has the right to tell you how to do it properly or how long it will take.

To quote Thomas Moore in his recent book, Dark Nights of the Soul:

When you have lost someone close to you, and friends try to comfort you in your grief, you know, but they don't, that what you are experiencing is beyond grief. You sense in your body and in the fullness of your emotion a great rupture in the world you have known, an irrevocable emptiness that is not just to be felt but completely absorbed if you are to go on.

©2004 Christine Bennett

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